LONG LIVE THE LONG BUTT (L.L.T.L.B.)

 I remember fondly when they first came out with the long-butt. It was just at the start of summer in 89' and one first trip to the beach brought memories that would last lifetimes and change the course of "TNUC Bikini Inspection" for a number of years.

That initial trip to the beach was the first encounter with long-butt culture. Everywhere you turned, girl's butts seemed to have stretched a good 6-inches or so upward or downward. Not bigger, not smaller...just LONGER. A few crude dudes on the beach were so overcome with shock that they went into epileptic seizure and had to be rushed to the nearest medical clinic. One thing was for sure, this was a firm, in-shape butt. Athletically toned and geometrically correct. I even climbed the nearest lifeguard tower, knocking over the lifeguard and sending him flying into the sand in the process, just to bare witness through a pair of binoculars at this long-butt phenomenon.

This way of life only lasted a few summers but maybe one day will make a triumphant return. To fully embrace the long-butt memories of the past you need to seek out the appropriate material. Go out and rent the movie Side Out, WWF Pay-Per-Views, Baywatch, 1991 Beach Volleyball Tournaments and most importantly Point Break (example pictured above). The part where Angelo (Gary Busey) is undercover and pays a visit to the surf nazi's house is a shining example of a forgotten long-butt babe. Watch the full scene below and wait for the 4:07 mark to bask in complete long-butt ultra-vision.


If you have pictorial evidence of long-butts, we'd like to see. Post and share them in the comment box of this post or at TNUC Facebook.

DROP OUT OF SUMMER SCHOOL WITH THE BEER WOLF.

Nothing can come between Beer Wolf and capturing the savage tan he so rightfully deserves this summer. That's why during class last Friday he excused himself to go lift his leg in the bathroom and never looked back. This hadn't exactly been a banner summer for Beer Wolf. On top of being forced to attend summer school, he was fired from his only job, the fast-food restaurant Clown Dog, for playing hockey in the kitchen with a mop and hamburger which resulted in spilling grease everywhere. The only reason he had this job was for the free food. He certainly wasn't there for the money. Who needs money when you're a furry, iconic figure with a lifetime supply of Coors Light at home?

WET-HOT-TNUC-SUMMER.

TNUC returns this week after a short hiatus safariing on the jungle coast of a remote island that we don't exactly have permission to talk about in detail at this time. What we can speak about is that much discussion has gone down regarding the 2012 TNUC Summer Line. Expect new shirts, limited "beach-party-bundle" packages for sale, plus an entirely new and explosive site layout. I realize August has already begun and many disciples are in deep depressive states from not having any new TNUC merch for your summer vacation. But I assure you, it's coming and will be worth the wait. Just think, as you read this, we have underpaid and underprivileged factory workers in a 3rd world country slaving away at the new merchandise items that you'll be able to grab soon. We also have completely cut their meal breaks & rest periods to be sure these items are finished as quickly as possible. For now, all we can do is have a little patience and crank our top six (6) WET-HOT-TNUC-SUMMER anthems...

#1 Dreams West - Omni Island

Omni Island by Dreams West

Last year saw Dreams West debuting his impressive self-titled album on a limited number of beautiful looking blue cassette tapes. He returns this month with a split cassette release, entitled "12:56" through the label Chill Mega Chill, where he'll have 4 new numbers that will surely melt our faces off. The split release will come in a "Limited edition gold encrusted, obsidian shells with mysterious exotic foliage artwork", as stated at this location where you can also purchase the tape/digital download for some simple scraps ($5!) 


Story-time: TNUC recently boarded a plane departing from the above aforementioned coastal region that was filled with nothing but bananas and cocaine. He departed on an amphibious aircraft (an aircraft that can land either on land or water). Wearing an exclusive Beer Wolf poncho and 4" above-the-knee, tan-colored Bermuda shorts, TNUC took flight. Only one song was needed to soundtrack a risky ride such as this one and that song was Omni Island. The change-up you'll hear @ 1:39 is exactly the moment when TNUC began to make his decent and prepare for his safe water landing.

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#2 Peter Maffay - Sonne in der Nacht

Big thanks to my German blood-brother Mike Ballermann for introducing me to this great track by Peter Maffay. The video is of equal top-quality as there is so much to love about it. The pristine water splashing on shore, Pete (shirtless) and his exotic woman running towards each other in slo-mo, Pete getting some teachings by a wise old oriental woman...but my favorite by far is how he begins the video lip-synching, but once he decides to light up a cigarette he just completely calls it quits with trying to voice the words. Download the song / Buy album here.

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#3 Goldroom - Fifteen

Goldroom - Fifteen (ft Chela) by Goldroom

Southern California vibes are at all-time-highs throughout most of Goldroom's work, and this one really takes it to the brink. This song is continuously blasting out of TNUC's window, overlooking the pool, putting swimmers and loungers into a youthful, hypnotic bliss. Download the track in the Soundcloud player. 

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#4. Miami Sound Machine - Dr. Beat

Stream the song:


I feel like this song could have easily graced a never-before-seen, montage outtake from Cobra. Imagine over 6 minutes of Sly Stallone and Brigitte Nielsen sweating it out on the dancefloor in some slimy Miami club. This would make for a pretty heavy DVD bonus feature for all us Marion Cobretti fans. We never really got a proper dosage of Stallone dance moves in any of his films, which I find to be an issue. Download the song / Buy album here.

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#5 Van She - Coconuts

Stream the song:


Can you say "Weekend at Bernies"? Because this song is what living in that movie would be like. Buy album here.

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#6 Thompson Twins - (Long) Beach Culture 

Stream the song:

Party - on - the - beach. Endless hardbodies and long-butts as far as the eye can see. Everyone with salty skin and dried-out salty hair from being in the water all day. Aromas of sun tan lotion fill the air. TNUC on top of a sandcastle, chugging tropical drinks and watching seagulls. Download the song / Buy album here.