TWO CRUDE DUDES MIX.

It's 1991. In most corners of the world, the big names in party metal/hair metal have unexpectedly been kicked to the curb. This is both frustrating and confusing. Grunge and alternative rock are on the brink of exploding onto the music scene and you're feeling pretty lost. Why would anyone dream of giving up on feel-good party-anthems? Give up on screeching, larger-than-life guitar solos? Who wants to be moody and go to the coffee shop when they can get wild and score babes? It all seems like a bad dream that you need your mom to wake you up from.

But there you sit on the couch watching TV, switching between American Gladiators and music videos, one leg raised up on the arm of the couch, wearing buzz-sawed denim shorts, an Aerosmith combination cut-off/belly shirt, Converse high tops with the over-eggagerated-sized tongue sticking out, and a mop on your head that your corporate father can't bare to look at. For some reason MTV isn't playing any of your go-to bands. No Skid Row? Mr. Big? Slaughter? White Lion? Leatherwolf? Winger? Ratt? Also, you just remembered that MTV's annual 'Spring Break' was scheduled to air this week, with Pauly Shore hosting and a special live show from Vince Neil. A queasy feeling enters your stomach and your vision becomes altered. All you can make out is a blur of flannel and short hair. You need OUT OF HERE. You just remembered that earlier that day you pumped out the last remaining fume of your bottle of Aqua-Net so you decide to head to the mini-mart to pick up a new jumbo pack. You also cannot stop thinking about those tasty microwavable burritos and frozen fruit concentrate that have been your daily diet all season. The teachers at school are begging you to follow some sort of new, balanced 'food pyramid', but you have other plans.

Immediately upon arriving at the mini-mart you open the door and what you hear on the stereo you can hardly swallow. It's absolutely the worst, dullest excuse for music you've ever heard. Sure, for years your sister has listened to some really sickening material, but this is different. This is clearly by a band that thinks they are rock's newest juggernaut. You fear the worst but you know it's inevitable. This is the sound that will shape music for the next few years. Weak guitar tones, whiney vocals by some neutered-sounding male and drums that sound like they are banging on trash can lids and most depressingly, GUITAR SOLOS DENIED.

You feel like fainting and calling it a day, but the ding! just went off on the microwave and you figure maybe its a frozen burrito that will save your life. You pass the Slush Puppie machine, people look at you strangely, analyzing your civilian wardrobe. All of a sudden out of nowhere a man comes up to you and passes you something that instantly washes over you and brings you right back to full-throddle form. A mixtape that reads TNUC and Mike Ballermann's TWO CRUDE DUDES MIX :: 12 Tracks of Twisted Steel & Sex Appeal". You exit the mini-mart, pop the mix in your tape deck and turn it up to 11. Life remains fully functional.

If you've experienced symptoms like this in the past and need a release like no other, here's an over the counter drug with your name written all over it. Download and turn it up (track list in comment section).

Here's a picture of five CRUDE DUDES that is all you have to remember what the guy at the mini-mart that passed you this life-saving, life-changing mix resembled:

Below are images of various, real life pairs of CRUDE DUDES to set the scene for what you're listening to.

Don't forget to watch the trailer!

CONQUER THE WIND EP.

The art of excitement, the science of control. All it took was a glance at these cars parked in a lot and you could hear the V8 engine whispering to you, calling you to the road. The look of these vehicles just screamed pure power. And then there were the commercials.

When it comes to making advertisements and commercials, nobody does it like Pontiac. Nobody can package a shot of clean adrenaline to your heart in 30 seconds like the promotional powerhouses at this company. In an attempt to harness and match the power and aggressiveness that these vehicles held, the marketing hotshots at Pontiac crafted commercials that played like a triple-threat music video, action movie and sci-fi thriller all in one. They've been posted on here numerous times and can be found all over YouTube. As a tribute to Pontiac, who by the way have been defunct since October 31, 2010 (RIP), we stripped the audio from the best of the best of Pontiac commercials and packaged them in an EP for you to download and cherish. No apologies for the bad sound quality. Consider it a blessing that someone excavated these commercials for us to enjoy. Stream the EP here, then download below (zip).

CONQUER THE WIND EP - d/l

Create a car to conquer the wind, a car that lets you slip off the commonplace and experience driving excitement as never before... the Pontiac Firebird Trans Am. Sit here and learn firsthand how Firebird conquers the wind and the world. Pontiac. We Build Excitement.

TWO CRUDE DUDES VIDEO.

Nobody told them that when they'd give up the 'ludes, they'd become TWO CRUDE DUDES. They gallop down the Pacific Coast Highway in a 1986 JEEP CJ-7 and a 1985 Monte Carlo SS with T-Tops, each with one arm out the window, fully tanned, veins popping out and chewing bubble gum. Their plan? To bulldoze down the dull and lifeless indie-rock and emo stylings of the modern neutered man. This is TNUC and Mike Ballermann's "TWO CRUDE DUDES MIX :: 12 TRACKS OF TWISTED STEEL AND SEX APPEAL". Coming soon to http://uncletnuc.blogspot.com and http://soundcloud.com/tnuc !

Wouldn't it have been a little predictable if TNUC had made his latest video to some teen-dream, neon lit, soft bedroom pop, generic-sounding electronic song? To keep fresh and lethal, like Malibu's feathered hair, we constructed a party-metal video to accompany the TWO CRUDE DUDE'S upcoming mixtape. Be sure to stay until the very end of the video and please, TURN IT UP.

LOVE THEMES.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY.

I. Keith Forsey - Love Theme [The Breakfast Club] d/l

II. David Foster - Love Theme [St. Elmo's Fire] d/l

III. Vangelis - Love Theme [Bladerunner] d/l

BREAKFAST WITH BRAD.

A bloody mary? Some breakfast? Suite yourself. But this is one morning sit-down you do not want to miss. Last week one of the pinnacle icons of entertainment around here, Brad Wesley (played by Ben Gazzara), left us at the seasoned age of 81. He fell victim to the same illness our brother Patrick Swayze did less than three years ago, pancreatic cancer.

If you're reading this at the time it was posted, it's Sunday morning. Do your part in remembering this big screen greatness by firing up some quick morning medicine and have a seat to watch the greatest movie of all time. Don't follow Dalton's lead in the above scene by refusing his villainous breakfast offer. Sit down, kick your feet up, rest your tan slacks on the sofa and pop in Roadhouse for a proper 758th viewing. After all, we owe it to Wesley. Let's not forget, this is the man who grew up on the streets of Chicago. He brought the mall here, brought the 711 here, brought the Photomat here and most importantly JC Penney is coming here because of HIM.

*WORLD PREMIERE RELEASE* - At last, for the first time ever Michael Kamen's score to Roadhouse is available to purchase! This score has been stored in vaults since 1989 but is finally here...newly remixed and mastered in superb stereo sound. Buy it now while quantities remain through Intrada and stream one of the tracks below.

Tai Chi by TNUC

THE BEST STUFF ON EARTH.

I said it before and i'll say it again. If TNUC produced original music or was maybe contracted at gunpoint to craft some type of upbeat, daytime-sounding composition, it's safe to say that it would sound exactly like this.

Maybe when my agent returns from Guam, we'll finally get some signatures down in ink on that lucrative deal he's been promising for years, and get started on making a record. The sound quality on this track is piss poor, apologies for that, but its the best we could salvage from the beloved Lou Ferrigno's Body Perfection workout tape.

KING TUT.

Back during the ancient MySpace times there was a little art project/musical venture by the name of TRANS AM that I started reminiscing about the other day. These now forgotten warriors were pretty intriguing with their straight-up concept tracks about some of TNUC's most beloved possessions. Pizza (seen here). Pepsi. Trans Am's. KING TUT...

KING TUT by TNUC