From here on out, if people harbor any negative or mixed feelings about Michael Bolton, it can only be due to the fact that they haven't seen his awe-inspiring video for 'Said I Loved You, But I Lied'. I'll admit, up until that moment I only took him for a mid-nineties soccer mom's wet dream. On occasion I'd hear his voice reverberating through the aisles at the grocery store, or ever so faintly over the speakers in JC Penney's women's department, or maybe coming out of a Volvo station wagon parked in front of a fabric store. Right at this moment I could continue on and give insight about the curly, long-locked warrior's earlier days in the hard rock scene when he fronted the band Blackjack, who at one time toured with Ozzy Osbourne. We could also talk about his 1983 solo album that's chock-full of AOR, stadium-rocking anthems. I could do all these things, but none of it matters now. Nothing could ever reach the 5-minute, 3-second peak of brilliance that you're about to encounter. Press play.
Do we even need to explain?
Horses running through flames (slo-mo)
Inspirational sunsets
Soaring hawks
His JC Penney trench coat
A woman harnessed by Bolton-seduction
Singing on the edge of a cliff
Denim ON Denim
Breathtaking aerial views
Wearing a leather vest inside a canyon
Lethal combination of chest hair + long, curly, golden locks
This guy just GETS IT. It's times like these that I'm reminded of when the Tri-Lams overtook the Alpha Betas back at Atoms College. The previously all-black fraternity, Lambda Lambda Lambda, stood up and altered their ways to support the helpless nerds. We need to wake up, because no one will ever really be free until Michael Bolton persecution ends.
I don't know about you, but seeing this and knowing it exists makes me feel really good inside. To this day, the British metal and tea-guzzeling warriors Iron Maiden still have the most brilliant t-shirts of any musical unit. But this one might be their crowing achievement.
The front features the band's signature crude dude Eddie, who's been transformed into Sonny Crockett - complete with slacks, loafers, his 72' Ferrari Daytona Spyder and pet alligator, Elvis. The back features an explosive babe sizzling in the Florida heat with "Vice is Nice" dripping in cold-blood-red font. The shirt has a comfortable buy it now amount of $700.00 on eBay (30% off, marked down from $1,000.00)! If I still had access to TNUC's Swiss bank account I'd buy every one of them and sell them in the TNUC Chop Shop.
They have traveled from a galaxy far beyond our own. They have powers we cannot comprehend. And they are about to face the one power in the universe they have yet to conquer. Love.
On Feburary 26 Swedish sorceress Sally Shapiro will release her new album Somewhere Else, with production magic once again being handled by Johan Agebjörn. Two of the guests on the album are our good friends Austin + Bronwyn of Electric Youth, who appear on Starman. The song is a supreme slice of intergalactic love, one that calls for a late-night listening session on the hood of your car under the open sky. Sally and Bronwyn deliver vocals that are mysterious and dreamy, like those first few seconds when you first wake up and aren't sure where you are or what is real.
May this recently excavated, "Lost Video" be the first indication of the dawn of a new era that TNUC is entering. Expect elements of similar large mass to come this year from yer #1 Uncle.
TNUC (tee-nuk) HAD ALL THE NORMAL TEENAGE FANTASIES...CARS, GIRLS, MONEY. THEN HIS PARENTS LEFT FOR A WEEK, AND ALL HIS FANTASIES CAME TRUE. THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE THOSE FANTASIES WILL ALL SLOWLY UNFOLD. TNUC IS A SWEATY TRIP TO THE EDGE, AND PAST IT. PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A NEW DIMENSION IN SEDUCTION...WELCOME TO TNUC.
