THE BEST STUFF ON EARTH.

I said it before and i'll say it again. If TNUC produced original music or was maybe contracted at gunpoint to craft some type of upbeat, daytime-sounding composition, it's safe to say that it would sound exactly like this.

Maybe when my agent returns from Guam, we'll finally get some signatures down in ink on that lucrative deal he's been promising for years, and get started on making a record. The sound quality on this track is piss poor, apologies for that, but its the best we could salvage from the beloved Lou Ferrigno's Body Perfection workout tape.

KING TUT.

Back during the ancient MySpace times there was a little art project/musical venture by the name of TRANS AM that I started reminiscing about the other day. These now forgotten warriors were pretty intriguing with their straight-up concept tracks about some of TNUC's most beloved possessions. Pizza (seen here). Pepsi. Trans Am's. KING TUT...

KING TUT by TNUC

NIGHT BEAST.

The following song is dedicated to all you night beasts out there on the street right now. This is the song that plays after your savage night out with that that special skirt. The city is empty at this time of night, feeling like you and your trenchcoat are the only remaining survivors. You take the usual route. First walking through Chinatown over the beautiful columns of steam rising from the streets. On this particular night, your eye really catches these great clouds of vapor churning and billowing through the headlights and street lights. Then its through the inner city park, arcade, abandoned amusement park and down the deserted subway tracks. You cross over the bridge, pass the burning barrels and enter the vacant warehouse and conveyer belt factory. At last you're finally home. You are the Night Beast.

Black Box - Ghost Box download

TYPICAL EVENING.

Last year you had the proud privledge of examining what a typical morning was for TNUC during his forgotten years in the dreaded 1990's. So if violently mixed protein shakes and komoto dragons aren't ringing any bells, you'd better go here first because that is your pre-requisite to watch the following clip.

...Now that you've witnessed his morning activities, we figured with the new year beginning that you righteous rulers deserve a first hand look at what could be considered a typical evening for Count TNUC. Now remember, this is a rare glimpse into the dark, forgotten decade of the 1990's in which TNUC's whereabouts were completely a mystery. During these times, the rumor mill lead to countless news headlines and tapings of Where Are They Now? Residents in Malibu, CA told reporters that TNUC's Yamaha motorbike had been parked in Tawny Kitaen's driveway for months but they had only seen him once and believed he was living in her basement, refusing to see any daylight. This allegedly went on for months up until they heard an engine start in the middle of the night and witnessed the two of them fleeing abruptly.

Tawny Kitaen (1987) - TNUC Archives

However, during those same years villagers on a small peninsula of South America swore that he was living and working out of a cabana down by the shore, donned each day only in a loin cloth and spending his days spear-fishing and offering rides across the river to locals. The underlying truth remained that these were dark times for TNUC. He had been so shaken up by the extreme dullness of the 1990's, not to mention being dopesick from the complete lack of quaaludes and broke from the divorce hearings and custody battles. He simply vanished into thin air.

The truth behind this lost legend had been questionable until now. The following clip provides an inside look to the low key lifestyle TNUC was forced to resort to during this dreary, uninspired decade. He gave it his all and made the best out of what was given to him. Enjoy.