Thursday, March 8, 2012

TWO CRUDE DUDES MIX.

It's 1991. In most corners of the world, the big names in party metal/hair metal have unexpectedly been kicked to the curb. This is both frustrating and confusing. Grunge and alt-rock are on the brink of exploding onto the music scene and you're feeling pretty lost. Why would anyone dream of giving up on feel-good party-anthems? Give up on screeching, larger-than-life guitar solos? Who wants to be moody and go to the coffee shop when they can get wild and score babes? It all seems like a bad dream that you need your mom to wake you up from.


But there you sit on the couch watching TV, switching between American Gladiators and music videos, one leg raised up on the arm of the couch, wearing buzz-sawed denim shorts, an Aerosmith combination cut-off/belly shirt, Converse high tops with the over-eggagerated-sized tongue sticking out, and a mop on your head that your corporate father can't bare to look at. For some reason MTV isn't playing any of your go-to bands. No Skid Row? Mr. Big? Slaughter? White Lion? Leatherwolf? Winger? Ratt? Also, you just remembered that MTV's annual 'Spring Break' was scheduled to air this week, with Pauly Shore hosting and a special live show from Vince Neil. A queasy feeling enters your stomach and your vision becomes altered. All you can make out is a blur of flannel and short hair. You need OUT OF HERE. You just remembered that earlier that day you pumped out the last remaining fume of your bottle of Aqua-Net so you decide to head to the mini-mart to pick up a new jumbo pack. You also cannot stop thinking about those tasty microwavable burritos and frozen fruit concentrate that have been your daily diet all season. The teachers at school are begging you to follow some sort of new, balanced 'food pyramid', but you have other plans.

Immediately upon arriving at the mini-mart you open the door and what you hear on the stereo you can hardly swallow. It's absolutely the worst, dullest excuse for music you've ever heard. Sure, for years your sister has listened to some really sickening material, but this is different. This is clearly by a band that thinks they are rock's newest juggernaut. You fear the worst but you know it's inevitable. This is the sound that will shape music for the next few years. Weak guitar tones, whiny vocals by some neutered-sounding male and drums that sound like they are banging on trash can lids and most depressingly, GUITAR SOLOS DENIED!!

You feel like fainting and calling it a day, but the ding! just went off on the microwave and you figure maybe its a frozen burrito that will save your life. As you pass the Slush Puppie machine, people look at you strangely...analyzing your civilian wardrobe. All of a sudden out of nowhere a man comes up to you and passes you something that instantly washes over you and nurses you immediately back to full-throttle health. It's a mixtape that reads Uncle TNUC and Mike Ballermann's TWO CRUDE DUDES MIX :: 12 Tracks of Twisted Steel & Sex Appeal". You exit the mini-mart, pop the mix in your tape deck and turn it up to 11. At last, life remains fully functional.

If you've experienced symptoms like this in the past and need a release like no other, here's an over the counter drug with your name written all over it. Download and TURN IT UP (track list in comment section).



If your memory serves you right, this picture of five CRUDE DUDES pretty much resembles what the guy at the mini-mart that passed you this life-saving, life-changing mix of music looked like:



Below are images of various, real life pairs of CRUDE DUDES to set the scene for what you're listening to.










Don't forget to watch the trailer..!

15 comments:

Bjorn said...

I fucken' love you TNUC and Ballerman! What band is that 1st photo? This is EXACTLY what this weekend needs to kick it off to a sick start. This mix in my tape deck, some ludes, some fat lines, and bodacious babes at the beach.

Don't ever stop making mixtapes! Seriously you make the best ones. I listen to them when I'm pumping iron, throwing a pool party and cruising around in my t-top Firebird!

TNUC said...

haha thanks Bjorn! That picture is a German band called VICE. Share the mix!

Bjorn said...

Definitely will Uncle T. I need to check VICE out... by the looks of their neon colored clothes, their doing something right haha.

Have you thought about some more shirt ideas or not yet?

Anonymous said...

"No... fuck you!" right into Honeymoon Suite's "Bad Attitude"!

Dude this mix is righteous!

TNUC said...

Tracklist:

1) RATT - TOP SECRET
2) BULLET BOYS - HARD AS A ROCK
3) CATS IN BOOTS - HER MONKEY
4) HONEYMOON SUITE - BAD ATTITUDE
5) SHAWN MICHAELS - SEXY BOY
6) THE BARBARIAN BROTHERS - AT WAR WITH THE WEIGHTS
7) WINGER - CAN'T GET ENUFF
8) STEELHEART - LATE FOR THE PARTY
9) POISON - NOTHING BUT A GOOD TIME
10) SLAUGHTER - UP ALL NIGHT
11) DANGER DANGER - HORNY S.O.B.
12) RATT - NOBODY RIDES FOR FREE

Steven said...

Hey Tnuc,

I love your blog dude, I tell EVERYBODY about it. Keep up the good work and I love the mixes man... don't go away!!

Steven

TNUC said...

Thanks Steven. TNUC loves viewers like you. Keep supporting!

chooch said...

This mix gets me hard as a rock, but not in a gay way. OK, a little bit in a gay way.

ódio said...

hey. i really like the mix.

could u tell me from where is the first scene from the trailer? the one with the dwarf and the girl who says "dont you know other tune?"... thanks

TNUC said...

odio, that scene you're referring to is from a little movie called DEATHSTALKER 2

Anonymous said...

Hey TNUC,
could you tell us the 'No..Fuck you' audio is from, everything else I've worked out, that one sound brillant!

and will pass on the Mixtape to everyone!

keep it up!

Hyperthrust said...

the dialogue you're referring to is from the movie "THE KILLING ZONE" (1991)

Anonymous said...

Great! I Need moooore!

Anonymous said...

Thanks Hyperthrust

The Unknown said...

Two crude dudes are women and cops who get a sadistic thrill out of the arrests of men who compliment their cleavage and breasts.